I am well and truly on my way to losing faith in relationships. My flatmate just broke up with his girlfriend of two years and we all thought they'd be the ones to get married. My other flatmate's friend just broke up with his long-term girlfriend, but not before he'd cheated on her. ugh. After a string of idiots one of my good friends started seeing a lovely guy and then he got a job in Auckland and moved away.
And me? Well, my story is the main reason I'm losing faith.
Don’t ask me why, but I was all nostalgic at work today.
Growing up, I had a great love for books. My parents would take me to the Hastings library every week or so and I’d always come away with a huge stack of books for the week. I’d read hundreds a year. It was my favourite hobby. When I was really young I would be involved in the school holiday reading programs and try to read as many books as I could so my reading list would look impressive. There were the particular sections I would make a beeline for when I got inside the library – first the recent returns then the mystery sections and the places where my favourite authors lived. As I grew up I migrated to the young adults section which was at the other end of the library, and discovered all the treasures there. At high school I would delve into the adults section every now and then, but the young adults was where I found most of my gems.
I loved staring at the spines of the books and wondering what sort of world each book contained. I could spend hours there and would often park myself in a window seat and flick through a cook book or travel book and look at all the lovely pictures. I made myself wait till I was on my bed or the couch at home before I let myself enter the world of the novels.
Sadly, I don’t read nearly as much as I used to. I blame the internet for this. Growing up we had one computer in the house, and didn’t get the internet until I was in high school. In my current flat, we each have our own computer and 500GB of wireless internet each month.
I also blame university. As soon as I hit uni, my leisure reading almost dropped off completely. Each week there were so many assigned readings to complete as well as assignments, lectures and tutorials to attend (plus a social life) that leisure reading kind of fell by the wayside. I never lost my yearning for it though, and since I’ve finished study and started working, my reading has picked up a fair bit.
I just finished The Book Thief (brilliant) and pretty much done with Divergent too (also brilliant). Then I’m moving on to Gone Girl and then The Code of the Woosters. I have them all lined up and can’t wait to get lost in them.
While it makes me happy that leisure reading is a priority for me again, I do think it’s sad that I don’t visit the library anymore. I tend to stockpile books from book sales these days, or buy them online instead of going to the library. But if I ever have kids, I want to take them to the library every week just like my parents took me. I‘m going to make my kids love books, they aren’t going to have a choice hahahahaaahahamwahahaha ;)
Three Things You Can Do When He’s Getting Emotionally Distant
The good news is that we can look at this as a gift. It’s the gift of a clear message that things aren’t quite right. It’s like getting sick – when our bodies are telling us that something’s wrong; we’re working too much, we’re too stressed, or maybe we’re not eating well. And we can then take steps to correct the imbalance. The message here is similar – you’re both on different pages, and there’s an imbalance that needs to be corrected. And whether we like it or not, what we’re seeing is who he is and where he’s at right now. And that’s the point. The present. Right now. That ideal we have in our mind, those dreams we’ve got – they’re all ours, not his. And whether he’d be the perfect guy for us if he’d just be more attentive isn’t the point. He’s showing us what he’s capable of right now. And that is the point.
So what do we do in this situation? Well, there are basically three avenues we can take.
Be direct and ask him.
If you’re feeling like he’s distancing himself and the two of you are losing the connection you once had, well, you’re most likely right. Our instincts are usually spot-on in this regard. So we know he’s not where we are, not on that same page as us right now, and he’s not quite sure how to let us know except by putting some distance between us. The reason for this is because he’s insecure too! He afraid to tell us how he’s feeling directly; he’s not a guy who’s in touch with his feelings and can say what’s going on. So go ahead and tell him how you’re feeling, and ask him why things have changed. If you take this route, be prepared and open to hear the truth. He may say that he’s having second thoughts about the relationship. He may be feeling like the relationship is moving too quickly, and he wants to slow things down a little. He may be afraid he’s losing his freedom. Maybe an ex has re-entered the picture. If the answer is any of these, just know that knowing the truth earlier is always better, and it will save you a lot of anxiety and even more heartbreak down the road.
He may also say that he feels that nothing has changed. This may be because he’s not in touch with his feelings or aware of his own changes in behavior, or it may be that he’s now being his true self and he’s just not capable of giving you more than you’re getting from him right now. If this is the case, this gives you a chance to re-evaluate the relationship while it’s still early and recognize that you may be looking for something from him that he just won’t be able to give you. It may also be that he’s not comfortable with this type of direct communication. If you’re the type of person that wants to be able to communicate freely and openly, then this is a sure sign that the relationship will be on a rocky road.
On the other hand, you may find out that the answer’s more benign, and you were worried for nothing. Maybe he’s had some stressful situations at work that have had him preoccupied. Or maybe he’s had some personal or family health issues that he hasn’t felt comfortable discussing yet. Finding out now will help to relieve your anxiety and may even wind up bringing the two of you closer than ever. Again, knowing the truth is always better than second guessing or attempting mind-reading, which we all know never works!
If you’re not ready to tackle things head-on just yet, there’s another good option.
Focus on yourself.
The second choice is to let it ride while making up the difference with your own life. Enjoy yourself, pursue your own interests, follow your own passions, expand your world. Take a break from thinking about the relationship and go to that art gallery you’ve been wanting to check out or take that dance class you’ve been thinking about. In this way you’ll be discovering your true self while at the same time giving him the space he seems to be asking for. And then take some time to reassess what you’re really getting out of this relationship. After getting a little space and distance from the relationship yourself, you may find that you’ve gained more clarity and realize that it’s not all that after all.
On the other hand, you may find that this bit of distance between you actually brings you closer together when the two of you are together. One thing that men love is a woman who has her own life. And having your own life will make you more confident about who you are and what you want out of life, which men also find very attractive.
And if all else fails, there is a third thing you can do.
Let it go.
If he’s gotten so distant that the writing’s clearly on the wall, just let him go. Even if he shows so much potential. And do it without hard feelings, since it truly is a gift. Because as hard as it is to admit it to ourselves sometimes, some relationships are just not meant to be. As hard as it can be to give up the dream of what the relationship could have been, at least in our minds, sometimes we find ourselves falling for guys that are just not the ones for us. And you deserve better than that. Better than settling for something that’s less than the real thing. Better than settling for someone who doesn’t treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Because there really is someone out there who will treat you better than that. Someone who’s waiting for you to come along as much as you’re waiting for him.
The issue at work that I’ve mentioned on here came to boiling point and I broke down completely and utterly. In total I had four major cry episodes throughout the day. I haven’t cried that much in years. Safe to say, Tuesday wasn’t fun at all.
Good things that came from it:
-Manager is now aware of how I feel
-Others in the office backed me up
-I’m not bottling it all up anymore
Bad things that came from it:
-Person in question wasn’t sympathetic at all, didn’t seem to think anything was wrong
-Lots of people saw me cry
So it remains to be seen whether anything changes or not.